where have i been?!

hey all! i know i have been m.i.a. and off the grid lately. so much going on with church, school and work. fyi - instagram now has profiles that can be viewed online and since i mainly post pictures on my instragram, i wanted to post the profile link to my blog.

mzjae - instagram

you can see my latest hair styles and outfits. =] i shall try my best to let you all in on my crazy life asap. so sad i missed all my loves at wcc. i hope you guys had a blast!

until next time <3 xoxo <3

update sept. 2012

hey guys!! hope everyone is doing great!! happy labor day!! i had some down time and a new post is long over due. 

so whats going on with me?! 

well school started back on the 23rd of aug. i am now officially a sun devil at arizona state university. (yay) 
my first day was pretty much a tragedy, but with the help of the Lord i made it through. before school started i applied to about 12 different jobs and because the Lord is my provider, i am once again employed. (yay) i received 4 call backs for interviews and two job offers. so i am so very thankful that the Lord cares about the little things going on in my life. we ask him for the minimum and he always goes the extra mile to show us how much he loves us. i not only have a job, but it is right across the street from school, they work with my class schedule, i have the job until graduation and they pay for my parking (which is around $300-$700/year). i never what to take the blessings of the Lord for granted. 

my birthday was on the 28th of aug and what a great birthday it was. i turned 22 0_o (haha) i'm getting up there, but it was an experience and mile marker in life. on the day of my birthday i didn't do much; kinda just spent the day by myself. it was really peaceful and a step back from the busyness that surrounds me. after work i went to sprinkles for my free birthday cupcake and oh how i enjoyed it. while i was sitting outside this lady came and was waiting for the bus. 
she started talking to me and complementing me on my hair. i was wearing it in a half up, half down twist out (sorry no pics). she was an older lady in her 40s and she was telling me how just recently she had decided to do the "big chop" and go natural after many many years of hair abuse. we talked about how our curls are so beautiful and how much healthier natural curly hair looks vs. processed hair. we agreed together how liberating it is to embrace our natural hair. this conversation came very unexpectedly. i have noted the fact that many people at church have made comments about my natural hair, but not many people outside of that. just to think that someone outside of my normal circle is encourage by my choice to wear my hair natural was amazing. 

as the weekend approached the celebration continued. i went out for dinner thursday and friday night with friends and had a great time enjoying my birthday. thank you to all my friends and family who shared their time with me! that's all for now. i will try to stay up to date as much as possible! until next time <3 xoxo <3

blog feature: self-esteem

this week the lovely anali felt the need to focus on self-esteem. this topic is pretty popular amongst us girls, so she asked a few of her friends (including me) to participate and share our story/testimony. maybe one day i'll write a post to elaborate on my story, but for now here it is! (i know there are caps, but only because i wrote the story for anali ^-^) 

 I sit in dismay as I begin to write this post. I have to say I was taken back when Anali asked me to participate in self-esteem week. Of course I wanted to be involved, but I tried to push it back. What am I going to write?! I asked myself over and over. I wanted to be real, transparent, get to the bottom of what caused me to struggle with self-esteem. For the most part I have pretty much blocked that journey out of my mind. I like to think of myself as full of positive self-esteem and confidence, but how did I get there?!

Starting with elementary school, out of all the things to be insecure about, I abhorred my name… Now that I think about it it seems so silly! But I had a huge complex about my name. In no way, shape or form did I look like a Jayne! Plus it was spelled different and to top it off my teachers (and even substitutes) would call me Miss Hill. Eh it was not good. I mean how can a person begin to be comfortable with themselves if they don't even "fit" their name?!

As I entered the lovely age of middle school my problems of having the "wrong" name soon faded away and were replaced with greater worries. BOYS!!! What they did, what they said, what they thought, quickly consumed me. I mean its natural, girls like guys and guys like girls, but i felt my value laid within their approval. If I was accepted, I was a happy camper and vice versa. This definitely caused me to be on an emotional roller coaster. I remember guys saying some pretty terrible things and just unmercifully teasing me. The fact that I did not wear pants was a playground for ridicule. As a result I put on a mask and became someone I wasn't. One guy actually told me i was the one (1) pretty black girl. I didn't know if that should have been a compliment or an insult. Were black girls ugly?!

This inevitably lead to the next problem. The struggle and fight with my nationality. God why did you make me this way?! Oh luckily I'm light skinned and I have almond eyes, I would tell myself. I could probably pass as a different ethnicity. I did not accept myself, but who would know? Not a person. By this time i was entering high school and surrounded by my friends. I had always been pretty "popular" and in the "it" crowd; the top of the social chain. So how could I ever feel this way?! Well I did. As I began my sophomore year it was announced that we would be leaving the Bay Area and moving to Arizona. This was one of the hardest times in my life. Leaving what I knew for a brand new atmosphere. I went from being on top and knowing everyone to sitting along at lunch with no friends in the distance. I was so use to having friends and the attention of guys that were interested in me all around.

My family and I started getting settled into our new church and I began making new friends.This helped but i still wasn't where I needed to be with myself or with God. Guys came back into the picture and as Anali stated in a previous blog post "I liked somebody I shouldn't have" and I add "a time or two."  Just because you "find" a guy that's "in church" doesn't mean he's the right guy. So after that (my life) went down (or up.. which ever you prefer) in flames I did not want my focus to be on guys any longer.

I decided to focus on me. Without the distraction and constant attention a "relationship" requires, I was able to take time for myself. Of course I still had my girls and positive influences in my life, but I actually took the time to start learning about myself. I grew closer to God and realized who I was in him. He let me see myself the way that he saw me. I noticed the things I like and the things I didn't care for. The more I got to actually know myself the more I began to love myself. I saw the characteristics I actually want in a guy and what to take caution in.

Towards the end of high school, onward to college and the now present my current struggle (that I am overcoming) is my natural hair which might have ties with the whole "ethnic" battle. I have a wonderful support group and the best thing to keep around are positive Godly people!! I am not my hair and I have grown to love the skin i'm in. There are still rough days and days I don't feel beautiful, but everyday I wake up and I can honestly tell myself that I love me. If you ask me why am I so confident I would tell you that I have placed my confidence in Christ. I am not confident in myself, but Christ that is within me. I am thankful for me and who I am in Christ!!! For I am not my own I have been bought with a price. I don't want to insult God and talk negative about his creation.

Living in Arizona you see cacti a lot and I don't necessarily love them like some people, but they are God's creation and I still think they are beautiful. We can't please everyone and make the whole world happy. Someone might think that I am ugly, but I am still God's creation and that makes me beautiful!

Through this journey I ultimately learned that falling in love with Jesus results in loving yourself. In return others are able to love you for you, because you are comfortable with yourself and your refusal to be someone else. I always tell myself be the best you that you can be, because no one else can be you!!! haha It's a mouthful, but its definitely true. When we were at Heritage this year Mary asked me if I tell myself I am beautiful and I answered yes I do!!! All the time, maybe not every day, but enough so that I don't forget it.

Disclosure: I am not a good writer, but I tried my best to write this post. It wasn't easy and there is still so much I can say and talk about. I know it wasn't as cohesive or flow together like the rest. I didn't mean to jump all over the place, but hopefully someone out there can relate. I am not a lady of elegant words like I said I just tried my best to share my story and part of my testimony.  
until next time <3 xoxo <3 

social media

ok so i was just catching up on the blogs i follow and this thought came to me!!! i'm not a huge fan of social media outlets. i abhor myspace, i am not on twitter, i am not on google+, and i just got off facebook last november. not that these are bad and to each his own. if you enjoy these media outlets then by all means more power to ya! i am on instagram and i enjoy following my friends throughout the day as they post pictures about their life, but i have found a new love for the world of blogging. it's so peaceful to read blog posts from the good Godly young ladies that i call my friends! it brings me so much encouragement without having to surf through "news feeds" and all that comes with them. i know i am not going to come across content that is unseemly. so for that i want to give a shout-out to all you wonderful Godly bloggers and thank you just because! =] 

here is a list of apostolic blogs  if anyone is interested! 
until next time <3 xoxo <3 

a candle shining in a very dark place

my friend, writer, author, singer, lorraine, wrote this lovely poem to encourage young apostolic girls who might be having a hard time facing the challenges of the public school atmosphere. as i read through the lines, it began to touch my heart as it took me back to the memories and struggles of grade school. 

a candle shining in a very dark place

written by lorraine m orozco

you may walk down the halls at your school and feel like you are all alone. 

you may sit in class and feel like you stick out like a sore thumb. 

you may think that some days you are fighting a battle that is all uphill. 

you may feel such peer pressure all around you despite knowing the God inside of you is real. 

you may be made fun of because of the clothes that you wear. 

you may be constantly told by your classmates that you need to cut your hair.

but don’t forget in these moments that though you may not see Him, God is by your side. 

he is always there to give you strength and has His arms stretched open wide. 

greater is He that is in you than He that is in the world! 

just remember God knew what He was doing when He made you a girl! 

you are a candle shining bright in a very dark place. 

you are the hope and have the answer for every lost face. 

your long un-cut hair is reflecting His glory. 

your make-up less face is a witness to His grace and redemption story. 

your skirt past your knees and modest dress. 

tells the world of a Holy God’s unfailing goodness. 

and then one day when you hear Him say “thou good and faithful servant.” 

you will know that it will all be worth it. 

and beside you will be the ones that saw His light shining through you. 

and for eternity you will thankful that you stood your ground even when you felt like you didnt know what to do. 

the wonder of heaven and the joy of seeing His face. 

will make you so glad that you were a candle shining in a very dark place. 

until next time <3 xoxo <3 

side note(s)...

1. my brother eats everything in the house!!!! literally, every time i go look for something to eat my bother has already ate it!!! it gets annoying sometimes just saying...

2. i usually try to post at the end of the day around 10pm; for those of you who follow my blog closely. so if you are looking for a new post it will more then likely be in the evening.

i have been crazy busy this last week and have many drafts i'm working on. many new posts to come, but today i just wanted to write how i'm feeling...

hopefully i'm not alone in this, but at times this little one just feels downright defeated. i was on the computer all day trying to get various things done for church and school and it seems like nothing was working out. the thought of having to go over all these things again tomorrow is not very appealing.

then to top that off, i found out that something i had been praying about was not going to work. as a result, to put it simple, i was extremely frustrated. i felt like my whole day was wasted and i had nothing to show for it. feeling so down and wanting to give up, i decided to take a break. i went and got something to eat, took a step away from what I was doing, and listened to music for a bit.

as i was listening to music the song "i smile" by kirk franklin came on and it gave me some encouragement. one line in the chorus says, "i know God is working so i smile." many times i have heard it takes more muscles to frown then it does to smile. so i figured i was too blessed to be sulking in this insignificant amount of "defeat." turning that frown upside down and being grateful for all the things the Lord has done did the trick. i had the courage to try one more time to accomplish the tasks i had been working on; and to my surprise i actually was able to get some work done!

in life we don't always see the work that God is doing behind the scenes, but that doesn't mean that he's without a plan. maybe he saved me more money on my textbooks, that i waited until the last min to order or maybe it's just not yet his timing to meet that particular need. the Lord hears us, He knows and that's all that matters! =] until next time <3 xoxo <3

2012 heritage july18-21 colorado springs, co

today i received this lovely card in the mail from the one and only jedidah, ms oregon-ized, <3 and i thought why not post a recap on heritage. it wasn't that long ago. =] 

as many of you know it was my very first time attending heritage this year and most definitely not my last! if any of you follow these lovely ladies - mary, hanna, anali, jacqui, jedidah - you may have read about the most epic 4 days we all spent together and lets not leave out our non-bloggers jenna and elizabeth. i couldn't have asked for a better heritage experience. all 8 of us girls in one hotel suite was priceless! i honestly don't know how we did it. each and everyone of us got dressed and ready and made it on time (if not early)to every service! major kudos to all of us!! the worship, choir, and preaching were  all on point, in sync and filled with the anointing of the holy spirit. what a wonderful atmosphere! here are some pictures of the journey we all shared together... 

my back seat buddies - cali girls <3 

weds july 18th - first evening service  

thur july 19th - morning service 

  

thur july 19th - evening service 

fri july 20th - evening service 

worship during service 

sat july 21st - on our way back to az 

hanging out thur  @ the youth night 

misc. pics with the girls 

more misc. pics from the trip 

**you might have seen ms jen lord from {with a} grain.of.salt in some of the pics. i was so glad to finally meet her. she has the sweetest personality!!** 

the trip was great and it would be so awesome if more are able to come next year!! 

agh what a time i had getting this post up!! :/ 

anyways, until next time <3 xoxo <3